Belong or Fitting In With The Family of God - Luke Calvin, MA, MDiv, LPC

A few years back, I started referring to Brené Brown as my “patron saint.” I doubled down on this by buying myself, and the counselors here at New Hope, a votive prayer candle with Brené’s face on it. Now, I realize there are all kinds of difficulties with what I just said, not the least of which is the fact that Brené is not dead, I am not Catholic, and the item itself is at best, mildly sacrilegious. But, I bought them as a reminder to myself that vulnerability, authenticity and belonging are sacred realities, and that these realities do not come naturally to humankind. Instead, they require grace and courage to offer and experience, and must be protected because they are often fragile things.

While Brené writes from the perspective of a researcher, what she has discovered and written has always rung of deep, spiritual reality to me. It wasn’t until I read “Braving the Wilderness” alongside the book of Galatians that I realized why it was that her research resonated so deeply with me. It turns out, her research has uncovered common grace truths about belonging, its power to impact belief and behavior, and its necessity for human flourishing. Turns out, the Apostle Paul was the Proto Brené Brown.

Paul’s letter to the Galatians is all about the longing to belong and what people are willing to do in order to keep hold of some sense of it. The long and short of the story is this: The Galatians were a group of Gentile Christians (minorities, “others” within Christianity, as Christ followers were predominantly Jewish at that time). Under the leadership of Peter, Paul and Barnabas, the Galatians were free NOT to observe Jewish customs like ceremonial washing, observance of Jewish holidays, and circumcision (the Galatian men were especially thankful for that freedom). However, when a group of Jewish believers from one of James’ communities came to town, Peter and Barnabas started distancing themselves from their Gentile siblings, and insinuated that maybe the Galatians DID need to observe the holidays and washing rules if they were to be true members of the family of God. Peter and Barnabas started inviting the Galatian believers to edit and alter their beliefs and behaviors to truly belong. Then, years later in the Galatians’ story, a different group of believers comes to town, telling them that they DO, in fact, need to be circumcised to truly be part of the family of God. And, here’s the deal, the Galatians were willing to do all of these things if it meant they no longer had to worry about whether or not they truly belonged to the family of God.

Before Brené put words to this human experience, Paul shows us just how desperate someone can feel when their sense of belonging is threatened. Attachment theorists like Sue Johnson refer to this experience as “attachment panic.” Johnson’s studies show that when a person’s sense of connection is threatened, their fear of loss can become so great that they enter fight or flight mode. When this is enacted, a person feels so vulnerable that they will do whatever it takes to keep their sense of attachment to their person or family or group. However, this kind of kept-connection is not experienced as true belonging, as the vulnerable one must alter or edit themselves in order to keep the connection. Brené would contend that this is “fitting in,” not true belonging.

When Paul discovers that his beloved Galatians are beginning to edit themselves to keep some sense of belonging, he steps in before they take more drastic measures. He goes immediately to the source of their distress and attempts to rebuild their sense of belonging to God, to the family of God, and even to himself, in order to calm their panic and enable them to resist the alteration of their beliefs, behaviors, and bodies. While Peter and Barnabas and the Judaizers were demanding that the Galatians PROVE their belonging by their behaviors, Paul takes a radically redemptive posture and begins with their belonging. Paul tells them that the reality of their belonging is so strong, that their differences in belief and behavior (beliefs and behaviors that the Christians from James and the Judaizers were convinced were necessary for entry into the family of God) could not disrupt it. He tells them that though their siblings in Christ were not so sure of their place in the family of God, God and Paul were not unsure. Paul creates a deep sense of security for the Galatians, and calls them to live out of that sense of safety and belonging. He implores them to hold fast to the reality of their true belonging, and say “no” to the demands to edit and alter their beliefs and behaviors, in order to fit in.

It seems, as Paul and Brené and Sue have illustrated, that while belonging is a sacred reality, it is often a fragile reality. We all can be tempted to fit in, or invite others to fit in, when fear and anxiety begin to stir. It is in these moments that it becomes vital to remind ourselves of our belonging to God and to the family of God. It may be helpful to ask if there are relationships in which we alter ourselves in order to fit in and what parts of ourselves we are hiding or editing in order to feel close to our friend, parent, spouse, or church community. We also need to consider how we may be inviting others (in our churches, in our families, in our friendships) to fit in with us, rather than offering them true belonging. Some of us may be called, like Paul, to offer protection for those most vulnerable to experiencing threats to belonging; those “others” in our midst who are not part of the majority culture. And, because belonging to God is at the heart of our faith, it would be worth examining how secure we are in our own sense of belonging to God. Do we experience the nearness and love of God, or do we believe we must edit or alter ourselves to truly belong to Him? If we discover that we do live as if we must be better before we can belong, we may need to ask God, or trusted others, to help us truly rest in the belonging that God offers us - belonging not based on our performance or the promise of being better, but belonging offered and protected solely by His love.