Focus on the Donut, Not the Hole- Katie Smith, MS, LPC, RPT™
Parents hone their problem-solving skills in order to help their children survive and thrive. Through googling or trial and error, parents can hunt for the snack bar everyone eats without complaining, the brand of pants that fits a child best, or an optimal after school activity. We live in a time of unprecedented resources available to solve many of the problems that face our lives. Isn’t any parenting problem hackable with the right tool’s help? Who doesn’t savor the satisfaction of utilizing a parent hack that provides the key ingredient to bend chaos into order?
Social media in particular feeds consumers the implicit message that any problem in a child’s life has a solution, if only a parent uses the right perspective shift, tool, technique, or workshop. It’s easy to slip into believing that problems are the troll under the bridge of the “Three Billy Goat’s Gruff” that must be reckoned with before we can continue on in a life worth living. But if our focus on the problems in our child’s life eclipses our ability to enjoy our child, we might be more stuck than we even know.
While honesty, clarity, problem-solving and grief are vital processes involved in our flourishing, is it possible that we can become so focused on preventing or overcoming problems that we miss the magic to be enjoyed right in front of us? In an effort to help our children grow, do we focus too much on our children’s weaknesses and missing skills that we fail to cultivate our enjoyment of the relationship?
Dr. Gary Landreth has a “rule of thumb” about this: Focus on the donut, not the hole. A person does not decide to eat a donut because of the hole in the middle. Rather, they enjoy the sweet, ring-shaped dough on the outside! What a sad experience of eating a donut if all one noticed was the hole and completely missed the “good stuff”? Dr. Landreth worked with parents throughout his career as a founding father of play therapy. He holds an unwavering faith in the positive power of connection to heal. Children and parents get stuck, he believes, not because they haven’t found the right solution to the problem, but because they have lost the enjoyment of the relationship.
When we focus on the “good stuff” in our children, we are able to enjoy the journey of parenting instead of falling for the myth of the quick fix. When we choose to observe the strengths of our child, we show up in that relationship with more joy and peace instead of anxiety and anger. When our children experience our encouragement and unconditional love, they’re more likely to view themselves as capable and loveable, living with more confidence and freedom.